hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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