She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
