dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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