I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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