my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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