the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
