Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
