i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize