I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
