so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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