That's when you crack a 10am beer
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
