The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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