Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
