genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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