Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
why is half of my head shaved?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
