Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
