FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
