Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
