did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
He has the fingertips of a God
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
