i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
