I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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