HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I think your dad took our porno
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
