I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
