Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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