Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
