Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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