Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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