I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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