Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
