And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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