i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
