Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
