Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
