My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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