i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
