I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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