Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
