Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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