Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
