I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
