I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
