dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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