what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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