You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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