4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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