You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
