After last night, I could never be a politician.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
