i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
