stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
