There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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