Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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