she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I can't turn off my feet"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
