im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
