I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
