...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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