There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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