you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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