I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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