How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Hello my rib-scented angel!
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
